The Uncomfortable Truth

After a lengthy hiatus from writing about my work, I'm struggling to even put the words together to share with you what I want to share with you - or even pinpoint what I want to share, for that matter. The last year has been a whirlwind of emotions for me on a personal level. I have felt myself hit rock bottom. I have felt the bliss of being the happiest I can remember being, and everything in between those two. How this is possible, I'm not sure. One thing I know is this - art saves me.

It may do nothing for me on a daily basis, but when I've lost myself, I go to the easel. OH - MY - GOD. Tacky much, Lexi? Seriously, though. This is where it's at. As we say in the art department at school, "This shit is real."

Recently, I saw a post on the wonderful world of Twitter discussing Vincent Van Gogh's struggle with mental illness. Remarks were being made about his desire for suicide and how he had thoughts about drinking paint thinner and eating paint to poison himself. In this post, people were glorifying this as a beautiful story from the past. "He wanted to eat the yellow paint so he could feel happy." Some people even think that we wouldn't have Vincent Van Gogh's masterpieces if he'd had access to anti-depressants.

This is wrong. So. So. So. Wrong. Wrong on all levels.

How much more can I dance around a topic? I've hidden my true self for years, only to put myself into a dark, lonely box. I've created works of art that come from a deep, emotional place, and I've never been able to look a person in the face and say "This is about me and my experience."

In 2015, I began experiencing serious signs of mental illness, which would be overlooked by my friends and family. I'd experienced them since I was a young teenager, but this was different. For the next year, I would live on minimal sleep, caffeine, and the occasional alcohol binge. Benadryl would rock me to sleep and sing its sweet lullaby which would hold me in its clutches for at least 12 hours.

In 2016, I discovered a method for controlling my illnesses in a much more unhealthy manner. To the outside viewer, I was doing better. I was starting to look like my old self again. I began a strict diet, which would then spiral into me nearly hitting the floor in my single dorm room in the spring of 2017. After dinner my blood sugar levels would not surpass that of a person who had not eaten in 5-6 hours, but I would still refuse to let go of the obsession.

In 2017, I was diagnosed with depression, after all of my blood results told me that there was nothing physically wrong with me, and eating more wasn't even mentioned because my BMI was perfectly normal.

I didn't pick up a paint brush for months. My mind could not process anything creative. Until my new medication kicked in, I would spend my days forcing myself to eat meals under surveillance of my loved ones. I would do what was required of me until I felt something again.

To think that a person needs a tragedy to create a work of art is the most insanely insensitive perspective, and it often comes from a place of misunderstanding. While some brilliant works of art come from the darkest of places, we should not wish that on anyone. Only with careful reflection from a safe, healthier mental state, have I been able to process my experience and turn it into something tangible.

As an artist struggling with mental illness, my fear of becoming a cliche is sometimes overpowering. Until we're all honest with ourselves and each other about these types of topics, that fear will never go away. I don't want to contribute to another human fearing that their experiences put them in a shallow category created by our internet culture.

So here I am. This is who I am. This is only a small part of my story, and it's real. My work reflects it, and I vow to open up about it as much as I can from here on out. I encourage you all to reach out if you have any comments.

I will continue working on a series covering this topic, and I am going to be doing research accordingly. If you would like to be a part of it, let me know.

I promise, not every post will be like this. I want to create an open environment here which will share stories, experiences, and touch on my process as an artist. Look for videos, photos, and upcoming posts.