Oops, I Finished A Painting

Hang on while I yell in excitement then burst into tears that this is only 1/4 of what has to be completed.

This painting is finished. Its completion surpassed the first painting I started, which is no surprise to me. Let's talk about this one.

This one made me get it. This is the one that sent me running down the hall wide eyed to tell somebody I finally understand the paint. Artists, right? Well, it's true. Sometimes you make something and you don't know where it comes from. You have this image in your head, and it seems so bizarre. You want to tag a meaning or an idea to it, but it's just not there.

After working over fall break, I got sick with a migraine and had to take a day off from studio. At home that day, my mind was still there painting. I was still thinking about what I was going to do the next day. I don't even remember what I was doing when I thought of it. I think I was walking from one room to the next and it just hit me. It hit me why I was doing this one. Ever since I started this painting, everybody asks me "why?" In the words of my sister "So... What's the thing with this one? Ya know, the thing. The big idea." All I've been able to do is shrug at the questions, and I'll probably continue to do so, but I do have an answer now. It's not really tacky or cliche, thankfully. That really would've ruined it, am I right?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose is, you know, as an artist. Forget the things people tell us about finding a career and making money. There's a greater calling than that, but we never actually talk about it. It's something we read about in our history books and we tell people "Wanna get remembered? Do something nobody else is doing." Well, it feels like everything's been done. It feels like it's all dead and we're just repeating what we've already seen. So, I decided to ask the question this semester. The big one. Why are artists? And the answer doesn't really exist. It's all opinion. It's all perspective.

So, with these paintings, I'm just asking "why?" The answer is I dont know. I don't know why I'm doing it. Maybe these just embody the whole "I'm just as confused as you are" notion. Ball this painting up and throw it away because it's not pretty or it doesn't make sense or have a grand purpose. Whatever. This is about our primal desire to create. It's that feeling when we don't feel like we know what we're doing or why we're here. It's the feeling when you pour every bit of yourself into something just to get it turned down. It's the feeling of seeing everyone around you know exactly where they're going to be in the future, and you have no clue. All you know is that right now, in this second, you're putting paint on a canvas. You're painting a doll on a ceiling fan on a piece of loose canvas that's bigger than you are. It makes no sense, but you do it. You do it because you need to and it's there in your head, and if you ignore it, you'll just lose your identity all together. It's both doubt and certainty. It's being absolutely certain of who you are and having the strongest doubt possible for any reason why you are, just like this painting.